Since I'll be entering a period of hopefully getting double paid compliments of severance, the wife gave me permission to buy one of these. I also bought the joystick, in black, along with the A/V cables.




Regular readers will know I went through a huge Atari ST phase back in 2017-2018, but that it ultimately fizzled out because I couldn't consistently get software running on the machine due to the difficulties of transferring stuff back and forth, along with "TOS" incompatibilities. This second attempt at 80s computing is more like what I was looking for in the first place: you can just plug a microSD card into the thing and run games, in seconds.

Once I get the computer here and have it working, I'd like to buy a copy of "C64 OS". "Vision Basic" also looks really cool, maybe I'll try making a game like I did on the ST back when.

In other news, I've been playing "Cyberpunk 2077" on Switch 2. This was the game which was going to really tell me how good or bad the hardware was-- and wow, does the system pass with flying colors! Below are some screenshots I took in the uglier handheld mode-- and it stands up pretty well to this screenshot I took at game launch, on an RTX 2080. Performance on Switch 2 isn't bad either: I'm using the "performance" mode, and it feels like it's over 30 fps most of the time-- it feels very playable.

Click on any of them for the full-sized versions. Maybe I'll take some docked mode screenshots at some point as well:











I also had my first job interview in twenty years on Friday. As a 23 year-old young gun I blew past the technical interview but completely flunked the "soft skills" portion. As a grizzled 43 year-old with gray hair in his beard, I nailed the "soft skills" stuff but struggled with the technical part-- all I could think during it was, "I'm too old for this shit." Maybe I really should move into management. We'll see if they call me back.

Altar serving with my son and I went great today though! We're both getting a lot more comfortable with it. I think after a couple of more tries we'll totally have it down.

Lazio is so depressing these days, I have no idea what the future of the club even holds-- Lotito has absolutely driven it into the ground. Here is the latest in a long litany of problems, in this case it has to do with myriad of the young players fleeing our youth academy over a period of years. And I don't blame them, they have a zero percent chance of making it in the first team. The only Primavera kids I can even really remember coming through were Keita and Cataldi, and they are both over thirty now.

Just look at what's going on with Floriani Mussolini! He's a super talented twenty-two year-old, with two consecutive successful stints in Serie B on loan, at a position of extraordinary need for us. What's more, Lotito and Fabiani have been mismanaging the quotas for how many non-youth, non-home grown players we can have-- so we keep banging up against that limit. And what am I hearing? That we're going to sell Mussolini. I would say it's because of the name, but it's such a pattern with us mismanaging the youth sector, I doubt that has much or anything to do with it.

Beyond that, what happened to all of the "Ok we can't buy players, but the good news is that we're going to trim that squad right on down to twenty players for Sarri and to help with the books!" talk? I don't care how we get rid of players like Basic and Hysaj-- just make it happen for Pete's sake! Offer to sell them for peanuts! Offer to pay half of their wages for a season to whomever buys them! Just get rid of them and save us some desperately needed cash! It's not rocket science. I remember this problem with Makinwa, aka Maki-Pizza like fifteen years ago, and nothing has changed!

If we didn't have Maurizio Sarri as coach right now, I'd say we were headed for Serie B or even worse over the next couple of years. This is the kind of catastrophic, clown-show management I remember clubs like Palermo having right before they fell into oblivion.

In other news, I can barely manage my anxiety at the moment. I have an in-person job interview tomorrow for a role I'd really like to land, so that puts a lot of pressure on me. And then I serve at the altar again on Sunday, which-- completely unlike lectoring or being sacristan, both of which came naturally to me-- I am really struggling to get to grips with. When I check my watch after Mass, I routinely find that I'd been getting notifications that my heart rate was reaching 140 beats-per-minute while up there, which is borderline panic-attack territory. In turn that's causing my memory to blank, which in turn is causing me to make mistakes.

Last Saturday I literally lost the page in the book because my hands were shaking so much, forcing Father to fish for it again in front of the entire congregation. I know "everyone makes mistakes!", yada yada and all the rest-- but none of that advice has ever helped me, since I already know it rationally. I've spent more than two years in cognitive behavior therapy, and essentially got nothing out of it. It sucks to be such an anxious person, I've been that way since I was probably three years-old-- as long as I can remember. I think it's brain dysfunction of some kind-- like a chemical imbalance, especially since these issues run in my family going back multiple generations.

Anyhow, today I'm going to do final preparations for the interview tomorrow and hopefully just chill and play some "Cyberpunk 2077" on Switch 2 tonight, after picking my daughter up from work. I'll plow through what I have to do in my usual way: with determination, diligence, and organization.

Taken from here: "They're trying their damndest to replace as many jobs as they can with AI agents." Then from here: AI will replace "Half of all white-collar workers in the U.S.", and no matter what industry you're in, "AI is coming for you." Finally, check out this analysis of "Oblivion Remastered".

To tie all of these things together, this is another example illustrating why I'm not a big fan of corporations. Yes, they are "beholden to the shareholders" and they are "there to make money". Obviously! The issue is that the "shareholders" aren't stakeholders; half the time they aren't even human-- they're just computers rapidly buying and selling shares.

With corporations, the human element of everything is lost because absolutely everything is reduced down to a three year-old mentality of focusing on just one thing: profit, in this case. Then the HFT algorithms rapidly buy and sell shares to put into portfolios based on return rates. It's impersonal, and any impact on local communities, the environment, etc. is just sort of lost in the shuffle. Not only that, but because the machine is so efficient now, corporations rake in sometimes hundreds of billions of dollars per year, making them almost unaccountable for anything they do, because they can raise so much capital.

To be clear, I'm all for private property and people starting companies to buy and sell goods. But I'm not a fan of the whole concept of corporations, buying and selling "shares" on a stock exchange, and so forth. So yeah, corporations are in the process of creating hell on Earth by replacing everyone's livelihoods with computer algorithms because their "shareholders demand" a .01% increase in profit... sure, why not, doesn't surprise me at all.

But in the video game industry at least, there is another facet to this: they have set themselves up for this replacement by being so... incompetent? I use that word with hesitation, because I'm sure there are a lot of smart and talented people working on video games these days. But something is clearly wrong, when their games are taking eight years to make, then at the end of eight years they realize that the whole game is complete crap and needs to be canceled. After that, why wouldn't your employer just replace you with a computer?

Going back to that frametime graph analysis, why in the world does it take fifty gazillion draw calls just to render a single frame? It's like the game developers have absolutely no clue what optimization even is! Or, there is some aspect preventing them from working on it-- it's unclear.

It's not that hard to make a video game-- I've done it before. By myself! And I suck at math, can't draw art, and so forth. The whole industry just needs to go back to the basics: make simpler games-- like Wolfenstein 3D or the original Sonic the Hedgehog-- and just write the "engines" from scratch to make them fast. Even someone like me could do that if I had the time to set aside for it, and trust me, these developers are a lot better at math than I am. Besides, those kinds of games are so much more iconic and timeless anyway!

Today will be a fun day. I applied at a very Christian-centric company in town here, to be a systems integrator for their machines and other IT infrastructure. It would be a bit of a pay cut from my current job, but since I'll be getting double-paid for nine months, I can pay off the GR Corolla and have no car payment once again, to go along with no rent or mortgage.

The other possibilities are to make quite literally $200k-$250k working for someone like eBay or Instacart-- although I have concerns that I would need to hide the real me, like I felt as if I needed to do at my current employer; or, I could start my own consulting company, which is something a good friend of mine is encouraging me to do.

I don't want to go to Saudi Arabia, so-to-speak-- but I get why footballers are doing it, when they are offered 20 million per year; I'd rather follow my heart, but when you're talking double-or-more the pay, the allure is there.

Later today I have a chiropractor appointment, then I'm hanging out with the aforementioned friend to sift through all of his PC stuff to make heads-and-tails of what can be re-used or consolidated. I think he's going to wind up building a PC, I priced an AM5, 9600X system out for him on Newegg-- $780 sans video card, I figured he could just use the integrated graphics for now.

The other piece I'm in a holding pattern with is the diaconate. Our pastor told me there's money in the budget for me to start this fall! I would love that, but at the same time I want to get the job situation sorted so that I even know what my work schedule would look like.

I've been absolutely loving this guy-- it's awesome to have an actual Lazio-oriented YouTuber around. He's quite funny too! I think it's pretty clear that Lazio are not going to be able to buy any players this summer. So the question becomes, what can Maurizio Sarri do with this team?



I think with Sarri at the helm we can safely survive next year-- maybe tenth, or eleventh place-- then hopefully Lotito and the braintrust can actually get their acts together, and navigate this team out of the complete mess it's in. And to think I was just criticizing Roma for being mismanaged-- I had no idea that Lotito had made such a hash of things behind closed doors at Lazio.

On the flipside and in my defence, I don't understand why-- based on the analysis I did in that post-- Lazio is so seemingly disproportionately punished, when all of these other teams have zillions of Euro in debt and are buying, buying, buying this summer, with no consequences. I'm not saying it's a conspiracy-- I just think the rules are perhaps silly, in that they are emphasizing the wrong things.

Got laid off from my job today. A lot of my co-workers-- like, entire teams basically-- also got released, and many of them are my friends, who read this blog. I've survived many rounds of layoffs over the two-odd decades I've worked there, but this time it's like a bomb went off: unprecedented; scorched Earth. So don't take your release personally, any of you.

Also to all of you, I love you all, God bless, and you'll do great! You'll land on your feet, and I'll do everything possible to continue to network with you and help all of you out if I find an opportunity. Who knows, maybe we'll wind up working together or even starting a business?

For me personally, it's pretty bittersweet. Regular readers will know that I've never been happy at my employer. I've made many friends, but the overall environment was never a good fit for my personality. Also, I've been working in IT contiguously since I was 16. That's 27 years with no break. I desperately need some time off to get my mental health back, and to spend time with my kids.

But at the same time, I'd be lying if I didn't say there were some feelings of rejection. I've given a lot of myself to the company over the past nineteen-and-a-half years-- probably more than I should have, if I'm honest, as it's really taken a toll. But here is to the spirit of one part of life giving way to a beautiful new beginning full of wonder.

I solved the wireless issue I've been having with the Switch 2 since launch!

Every other modern device I have works perfectly from my basement office: my MacBook, my work laptop, my iPhone, my OLED Steam Deck, my TV, you name it. But the Switch 2 wouldn't even connect to my router from my room; what gives?

Turns out the Switch 2 firmware is just dumb-- the logic needs a little more sophistication. Where other devices are smart enough to use "802.11ax" when it's available, the Switch 2 was trying to use one of the older standards. To solve the issue, I just disabled every single 5 GHz mode in my router except "ax"-- and instantly the Switch 2 not only connected, but now gets the same download and upload speeds via WiFi as it does it does via Ethernet.

My single biggest complaint with the Switch 2, solved!


The Pope on Healing

I saw this some days ago, and the Pope's message reminded me a lot of the excellent Andrew Wommack healing ministry talks my friend sent me a few weeks ago! From the Pope:

Yesterday, I took the hour-and-a-half drive down to the seat of my diocese to meet with the deacon who directs the diaconal formation program. I absolutely loved my conversation with him, but it was also a splash of cold water-- it's like that old 80s song, "Back to life, back to reality".

There are no fewer than six hurdles where I could get tripped up, just getting into the program! This isn't "gee I might fail once there"-- this is to just get accepted!

1. The Pastor: I'll need to have not just an in-depth conversation with my pastor, but also get a letter of recommendation from him. I've already talked very briefly to him about this, so it's not like he's in the dark-- but he could definitely say, "You know, I don't think you're deacon material." Could happen that I stutter and stall right at the start.


2. The Pastoral Council: I will need a letter of support from the Pastoral Council. I'm on the Pastoral Council, so I think I would be able to get past this step-- but weirder things have happened.


3. The Application: If I get past the first two potential pitfalls, then I submit a bundle of application-related documents including the referral letters. This packet goes before an entire board, and they could very well shoot me down right then and there.


4. The Interview: From there I-- and not just me, but my wife too!-- get interviewed by the entire aforementioned board. They analyze me based on a whole ton of criteria such as my deep-down motives, and myriad other things most of which I'm probably not even remotely familiar with. This is the most likely point where I could go down in flames.


5. The Psych Eval: If I manage to get past the board, I could see the psychologist raising questions about my suitability due to my past anxiety issues. Could get past everything prior only to trip over this one.


6. The Bishop: After all of this, the entire application packet, plus the board's recommendation, go before our Bishop. There is every chance I could clear every single hurdle-- only for the Bishop to say "no" at the very end. Could happen-- not unheard of.

To put it bluntly, I'm nervous to go through this process.

Even in my conversation with the deacon, I sensed that he was detecting some red flags with me: nothing major, we had a really nice chat overall, but I do have some character elements which need refining for sure; I don't set boundaries all that well, have a tough time saying "no" to things, and am altogether too perfectionistic and eager much of the time, all of which I think he picked up on.

All of this said, I wouldn't have the above process any other way: despite my nervousness, I am going to try framing it in my mind as them helping me to figure out if I'm a good fit, or not. I wouldn't want me or anyone else being out in the community as a deacon who is not suited to the task.

I was also given a book which discusses 101 questions and answers regarding what deacons are, and what they do. Before I proceed with an application, I want to read through that book and make sure I don't run across any last-minute "a-hahs". The deacon is on vacation next week, so I have over a week to figure this out. Please pray for me!

One bit of good news was, I wouldn't even need to spend money leasing an apartment should I get accepted to the program: he told me that they rent rooms for students at very low prices, and that I could eat at the refectory. That's cool!

Changing topics a bit, I'm also tremendously nervous for this weekend's Mass. It'll be my son's only second time serving at the altar, and the first time was over a month ago. On top of it, I will almost certainly wind up being thurifer-- something I'm looking forward to, but am also scared I'll forget what to do or make a mistake.

Hopefully I can set aside some time this afternoon and tomorrow to give myself permission to relax and play some video games. I'm not always the best at making myself enjoy some leisure time.

I had someone recently condemn in a very pejorative manner the "hierarchy of the Catholic Church"-- blegh! As if it was some kind of imposed-upon tyranny! I don't see it that way. The holy ordering is not an imposition, forced on the unwilling or unsuspecting.

I've observed that spiritual growth only happens through obedience. I was talking to my church's Evangelization Coordinator today, and she was asked assertively by our Pastor last week that she host a visiting Sister this past weekend. It was a tremendous blessing, because the Sister demonstrated such incredible amounts of gratitude for everything, down to the smallest details, that she set a model for everyone else present.

The only way this blessing was obtained was by being obedient-- in this case, to our Pastor. If she'd said "no" and simply sat in her bedroom watching basketball, the offered spiritual growth would not have been received.

The Pastor is the Bishop's helper, charged with the pastoral care of our parish. Our Pastor has pledged obedience to our Bishop. Our Bishop meanwhile is beholden to the teachings of the Magisterium. The Magisterium interprets Sacred Scripture and Tradition-- the Deposit-- via the Holy Spirit. And the Holy Spirit is God.

By being obedient to the Pastor then, the Coordinator was being obedient to God's will. In this way, a consensus is formed among the faithful-- sensus fidei is the term-- and it is only through full participation in the Church-- meaning, obedience-- that this consensus is formed. If one believes in concepts such as Apostolic Succession, then being a part of this consensus not only comes naturally, but is actively sought.

Of course, discernment is involved: if the Pastor is asking someone to commit murder, we know from Scripture that this is not in accordance with the Lord's will. And it is through this added element of discernment that sensus fidei is further reinforced.

Ahoy there, mateys. Not sure why I felt compelled to say that, but hey. A ton of stuff is going on: lots of church-related meetings, my son and I serve at Mass this Sunday, which is Corpus Christi. Diaconate work is moving full-speed ahead: I have a meeting with the head deacon this Thursday afternoon, about an hour-and-a-half drive away, at the seat of the diocese.

Also been playing a little Switch 2 as I have time. I wrote a pair of Switch-related reviews, for "Diablo 2" and "Fantasy Life i". I also have a backlog of books I need to get start getting through-- but by the time evening rolls around, I'm usually pretty darned tired!

I was in the Twin Cities this past weekend, and had a blast hanging out with first my mom, then my dad. My dad bought an electric bike-- other than a rather hilarious mishap trying to fit through a doorway in the apartment hall, we took it outside and cruised up and down the sidewalk. I then took it for a short drive through the neighborhood.



It really moves! It can go 25 mph, which feels like a lot-- the sensation of speed is great when you're exposed and riding on it, since it's small and low to the ground too. It can even be driven around on streets, as it has a working headlight, brake light, and even turn signals, which are operated via a two-way toggle switch. I hear food delivery drivers use these in downtown New York City all of the time, and I can see why!

The thing also folds up and fits in the trunk of a car, or a closet. You can also shut off the electric motor altogether and use it as a bicycle, for exercise. Overall it's just a really, really neat thing, and wasn't even that expensive!

We also went to Mass at the Cathedral in St. Paul. St. Paul is the capital city of Minnesota, and the Cathedral is the seat of the arch diocese of Minneapolis and St. Paul. I felt uncomfortable taking pictures inside, but I did snap this one of the exterior. The inside is not "Sistine Chapel" territory, but I tell you it's not that far off either-- it's incredible!



We also did all of our transportion via the train system. I should have taken a picture of that as well, but it looked basically just like this. That thing can really move! You check in on the platform, then just hop right on when it arrives. On one of our trips a "conductor", for lack of a better term, came around and spot-verified a bunch of cards, including my own-- just to keep people honest.

On a different and final note, I also have this feeling that I might be finding out today whether or not I still have a job at my employer. They are in the midst of performing layoffs, and I have reason to suspect the news will come to each employee this week. The income from my career, plus the job flexibility, is a perfect platform for my move into the diaconate-- so I'm crossing my fingers.

Haven't actually had that much time to play Switch 2 since it came out, but here are my impressions so far:

• The screen is a somewhat disappointing downgrade from the OLED Switch; it has that glowing LCD effect going on. It's not bad, but not great either. That said, it does support 120 Hz and VRR, which I'll get to test when my copy of Cyberpunk 2077 comes in tomorrow.


• On the positive side, Switch 2 does some kind of "auto HDR"-style thing: everything on Switch 2 has HDR applied! I fired up the Genesis emulator and the Street Fighter 30th Anniversary Collection, and Holy Moses do they look bright and vivid on my OLED TV.


• Back to the negatives, the Switch 2 has a heck of a time connecting to my router's 5 GHz wireless network: it doesn't work at all in my bedroom office in the basement-- when every other device works fine, including the OLED Steam Deck. The only way I can get wireless connectivity with Switch 2 is by being upstairs, or using my 2.4 GHz network.


• Another negative: Street Fighter 6 has substantial frame drops in some of the stages. On top of it, you can tell it's "DLSS'ing" from an extremely low internal resolution, as the characters' hair is an artifactey mess.


• A positive is that the speakers are a huge upgrade from the OLED Switch: they sound much more bassey.


• Another positive is that the Fantasy Life i upgrade is awesome! 60 fps, and a massive resolution bump-- almost doesn't feel like the same game!


• But another negative: the battery life on Switch 2 seems horrible! I had the thing sitting in its case, suspended, and I took it out later in the day to find out it'd drained itself down to 10%.


• To end with a positive, Fuze runs great! A guy on the forum posted a bunch of benchmarks, and the Switch 2 absolutely blows away the original unit, by multiple factors! Plus with the "auto HDR" thing going on, Skatey-Cat and Dredge have never looked better!

Overall I'd say the platform is kind of disappointing. I'll be curious to see how it sells after all of the hardcore early adopters get them. It doesn't really have much "Nintendo charm", it's super expensive, and it's just a rehash of the original Switch concept, with two steps forward but also a step backwards in some ways, such as the screen and the poor wireless chip.

Tomorrow I'll jump into Cyberpunk 2077 and Mario Kart World, which I haven't tried yet. Maybe my impressions will be more positive then.

Phew, I'm finally over whatever the heck it was that I had! I'm still having to clear my throat a lot, but for the first time in awhile I'm feeling basically one hundred percent normal today.

Not much new to report! My employer announced major layoffs, so I'm waiting to hear that I still have a job before I pursue the next step in the diaconate process. Other than that, I bought "Fantasy Life i" for Switch, and have been playing that in the time that I've had to play video games. Phenomenal game!

Speaking of Switch, I've been billed now for two of the three Switch 2 units I have pre-ordered. The third one hit a fraud alert with my card-- which I acknowledged, but not until a couple of hours had elapsed. I hope that order doesn't get canceled or some absurd thing like that. Crossing my fingers, otherwise I won't have one at launch as the other two are owed to my daughter and a friend of mine.

Lazio have re-hired Maurizio Sarri. Regular readers will know that I was desperate for him to resign last time he was at the club-- not because I wanted to see him go, but because the situation had become untenable between him and a few of the stalwart players, none of whom are even with the club anymore. So I'm pretty pumped to give it another shot, Sarri is a world class coach.

I've also gotten back into Minnesota United over the past couple of months. Their coach is amazing-- the team has a real identity and is brimming with confidence. They have some real quality too; Nicolás Romero, Tani Oluwaseyi, Bongokuhle Hlongwane, Dayne St. Clair, and some others could definitely move up a tier. And that's not even getting to Joaquín Pereyra, who is my favorite player in the team-- super nifty two-way player, with great passing range and technical ability.

Tonight, it's going to be: make some dinner, play some video games, and read a book.

I've been lurching from one thing to another for the past three-odd months, this writer can't catch a break! The family and I took a few days at the in-law's house in Minneapolis by ourselves, just to have a change of scenery. But of course, because "why not"-- I got sick the day we left, and am achey, sneezing my brains out, and can't sleep. Wouldn't you know it.

But that's ok, because I've had such a positive attitude about everything: I've been praying to the Lord for healing, and I think I'm getting there! My anxiety has been super, super low the past week, and in spite of being ill I've been happy.

Last night was "night one" of switching from Lunesta to Ambien-- so I only got maybe three hours of sleep. There is definitely going to be some withdrawal issues coming off of Lunesta.


Church Work

I've been managing the process at my church to hire a part-time Evangelization Coordinator-- I have the candidates all scheduled for interviews next Wednesday, before a parish bonfire. The candidates are amazing, it's going to be tough to make a decision.

All of this got me thinking, I should make a parallel resume, just for all of my church involvement! That could pave the way towards a full-time job some day, working for the Church in some capacity. Just off the top of my head, I've:

• Been a sacristan for the past few years, deeply involved in the liturgy.
• Been a lector for the past few years, using the charism of my clear voice and good enunciation to help convey The Word.
• Been an altar server for the past few months, helping at weekday plus weekend Masses, including during adoration; can set the altar, and also operate as a thurifer.
• Been co-authoring altar server guides with our parochial vicar; they are just about complete.
• Been chairman of our liturgy committee for the past several months, a group I started on request from our pastor.
• Been serving on the pastoral council for the past year, a position to which I was elected.
• Been a key cog in our church's parish life-esque "Cornerstone" group, including driving the process to hire a part-time Evangelization Coordinator.
• Been a third-degree member of the Knights of Columbus for the past few months.
• Been volunteering at fish fries, pancake breakfasts, community meals, and weed trimming at the cemetery; want to start taking the Eucharist to the homebound.

I'm sure there's stuff I'm forgetting, but this could be a good start.


The Diaconate

I've gone from:

• There's no way I can do it.
• I could except that I have sleep issues, so no way.
• I'm finding work-arounds for the sleep issues, but I'm too selfish to give up my video game time.
• Alright, I'm ten times more at peace doing church stuff than playing video games, what's your point.
• Yeah, ok, so these "coincidences" I keep having, getting thrust into new roles, do align with what deacons do almost 1-1. So?
• Alright so yes, I can visualize myself as a deacon due to some recent events. Give me the details one more time?
• I think if I got an apartment right by the campus, I could really excel. Maybe that would work...
• Fine! Fine. If it's the Lord's will, I can try it... maybe.
• You know what, in all the months I've been praying and contemplating about it, it actually sounds fun. What's the next step?

I've talked this over with the wife a million times, and she is one hundred percent on board with it. Heck, she's on maybe an even deeper spiritual journey than I am, so she couldn't be more encouraging regarding her husband potentially become a deacon. God bless our priests, but they are absurdly over-burdened: right now, we have one retired deacon for three churches-- and our pastor would like to have as many as twelve for our Area Catholic Community!

A huge turning point for me came just this past Thursday, at one of our Stephen Dinners. Our group's leader invited the head deacon for our entire diocese to answer our questions! I fumbled through asking him this, to the point where no one at the entire table had any clue what I was saying-- except him. I asked: "Did you always have an open heart which can connect with others, or did you... did you... um... get that through the process...? I'm struggling to phrase my question."

He immediately replied, one hundred percent understanding what I was asking: "I grew up on a farm. I have the 'stoic Germanic' traits going on. I was terrified-- and I don't use that word lightly-- terrified to speak up, or to go in front of people. When I felt the calling to become a deacon, I literally cried and asked: 'Lord, why me??' Not only did the Lord provide for my troubles, but the blessings and graces I've received as a deacon are indescribable."

And the proof is in the pudding-- this deacon is one of the most serene, at-peace, well-spoken people I've ever met. And look at where he started, with his terrors!

If the Lord can get him through that, then I have nothing to fear! Yes I get nervous for things, but nowhere near amounting to "terror". My issues are so comparatively minor when put into perspective, that it's one of those "name me a person who doesn't have some kind of cross to bear!"


Apple Products

I went from making fun of Apple products for the first forty years of my life to absolutely loving them. I first bought the MacBook based on two things: a "wisdom of the crowd"-kind of notion-- at developer conferences, 95% of the people have them, can they all be wrong? And second, I really miss computers having personality; so I asked myself, "Ok, Windows 11 is basically sterile spyware, Amiga is long-dead... is there anyone out there who still has the same character and charm now as back in 1985?"

The immediate answer was, "Oh, Apple-- duh!" I love that they've kept the old-school dual-faces "Finder" icon, that they still have the Apple logo in the to-left corner, that they still have the Mac boot sound, that there are sound effects in the UI for moving files, emptying the trash can, etc.

Now, I'd been using GNU/Linux since 1996-- and I still run it on my server! I'll always adore it. But as I've gotten older, the Free Software element has comparatively become less important to me, than "does the computer 'just work' and do what I want." It's become more of a balancing act for me, versus an absolute. On top of it, I did a bunch of research, and Apple literally advertises that "privacy is a human right", and have had myriad independent audits to prove that they stand behind their word.

It'll never be as good as being able to inspect the source code, but then again who is to say a GNU/Linux distro couldn't distribute rogue binaries with some lines injected in them? Or what about the UEFI bioses? Those are almost all proprietary. At some level you need to decide if you can trust the software-- and I do take Apple at their word, until proven otherwise.

So I bought an M2 MacBook Air right when they came out-- and it immediately became my single-favorite computer of all time. It's like two pounds, has absurd battery life, flips into and out of suspend mode instantly just like a smartphone (thank you Arm!), and has the CPU power of a Ryzen 3000-series desktop PC (the M3 and M4 MacBooks are even faster!), but with zero fans or active cooling. Not to mention, the hardware is aesthetically gorgeous.

It has the most beautiful user interface I've ever seen, loaded with charm and character. It has all of the software-- native Arm versions!-- of absolutely everything I need from personal finance to web browsing to even full-on game and web development. It's blazing fast.

I liked it so much that I switched to iPhone, buying a "14 Pro Max" when they were brand new. Then I bought the Airpods Pro. Then I bought an Apple Watch. The way all of their hardware seamlessly works together, with zero problems or hitches is astonishing compared to anything else! And from a command-line perspective, I feel as at home with the shell as I do on GNU/Linux! In fact, macOS feels like a souped up, super-polished GNU/Linux distribution, since that's basically what it is (except BSD instead of Linux).

The iPhone is such an enormous step up from Android devices, I was shocked at the increase in quality-- and that was coming from expensive, flagship Android devices from Samsung! I can't even compare the two. I get the chills looking at my iPhone desktop-- it has all of the charm of the PDA my dad had in the late 90s, but all modernized; it has everything my MacBook has, all perfectly synced, but in pocketable form! It is a PDA, in essence, but which can also make phone calls.

Apple Watch is just as astonishing, I also get the chills just looking at it! It's wildly increased my levels of exercise by keeping me disciplined, and I love how I can reply to SMS and even Discord and Signal messages, right on the watch! It's like a PDA for the PDA.

The only thing the MacBook can't do well is run modern games. But I've had zero problems getting things like DOSBox and RetroArch to run. And even though I'm not a huge mobile gamer, iOS is the dominant mobile operating system for gaming, if that's your thing. Everything goes there first, then maybe gets ported to Android at some point.

Anyhow, here are some screenshots I've taken over the past couple of weeks showing the three devices in action:

I've got some more time to write! As a follow-up to my previous post, I wanted to write about the Faith aspect of what I'm going through-- it definitely deserves its own blog entry, by itself. That previous post was the natural reality of my situation. Now I'll talk about the supernatural aspect.

I've gotten through the first three sessions of this teaching, and I've been praying a lot about it. It says in Isaiah 55:9:



God has been working my heart towards pursuing the diaconate. I went from, "This will be impossible, it can't work" to "I can see in my mind's eye how it can work". I went from, "I'm not sure I want to do this" to "I want to do this because I can see how the charisms God has blessed me with would allow me to be a great servant to others as a deacon".

I had an experience a few weeks ago, where there was an elderly woman whom I see at church pretty frequently. We had coffee and donuts in the basement after one particular Mass, and something compelled me to go up to her and ask how she was doing. At first she gave me a generic sort of, "I'm doing ok." Then, after a moment, something caused her to open up to me. She became tearful, and said "My daughter is mentally challenged-- she's down in the Twin Cities in the hospital because she's been having seizures."

The words came to me immediately: "Well, just never ever forget that Jesus is here by your side. He's always there with you, standing right next to you." She smiled and said, "That's why I'm here [at church]."

Last weekend, I saw her again, this time at the pancake breakfast I was helping with. Things were going a hundred miles per hour, and I'd walked out there just to take a quick headcount before I had to flip pancakes again-- so I didn't get a chance to stop and converse with her. But she saw me, looked up, and I have never, ever in my life had someone look at me that way: it was the warmest, most sincere smile-- like seeing me again had lit up her entire weekend. I just gave her a big smile back, and a wave.

And it was all just because I'd reminded her of how much Jesus loves her!

Going back to Isaiah then, "my ways are higher than your ways"-- I believe that the Lord is giving me these experiences in response to my claiming my healing. What He's doing is showing me the way to obtain the healing-- the path I should walk. We had a finance council meeting on Tuesday, and our business administrator said that we were looking for opportunities to increase outreach ministries. I asked him what this meant, and the first example he gave was "bringing the Eucharist to the sick and homebound."

I prayed about it last night, and the Lord told me that I should pursue it! In fact, I can bring The Word and the healing ministries to people this way! In fact today I emailed the aforementioned business administrator, to see if he can connect me with the right person to get me started.

This all reminds me of those exercises people do at work retreats, where they have to be blindfolded, then fall over backwards, trusting the other person to catch them. There is an action which needs to happen for the outcome to occur. It's like it was written in James 2:26: "For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also."

In the case of Faith in God, I believe He's asking me to perform a similar exercise: He's asking me to fall over backwards, so-to-speak, by performing works. After all, it was only through Him-- on that Holy Thursday, after receiving the Eucharist-- that I was able to experience, if only for a handful of seconds, pure love of those around me, without the derealization and without the barrier.

So He's already proven to me that it's possible. It's like he gave me a brief taste, just to see what it was like. I think I can combine the above with some of the things I wrote about in my previous post. It's like that old parable of the drowning man, which I'm sure you've all heard-- He's sent me "two boats and a helicopter" in the form of all the above, plus some medical help, the possibility of taking a leave from work, and a whole host of other things.

He's given all of the components-- now I need to have Faith through action.

My motivation to do anything has been in the negative territory lately. I maintain a health log, and among the things I write down are my sleep quality. My rubric:

• A: A normal night's sleep. Before I was the age of 32, I got an "A" every single night. It broke at that age. I'm 43 now.
• B: A decent night's sleep, feeling pretty good and productive the next day.
• C: A poor night's sleep; focus begins to become a struggle, and disassociation begins to get bad.
• D: A truly awful night's sleep; awake most of the night, not really functional in the real world.
• F: Can't even call this sleep; may as well have stayed up all night. Disassociation is on another level.

Here is a chart of my sleep over the last sixty days, by category:



I am on 100 mg of Trazodone, 3 mg of Lunesta, plus I pop a Melatonin pill as well. The only "A" and "B" records above were nights when I took, on top of my normal pill routine, a couple of Benadryl, or a serving of diphenhydramine. My psychiatrist is switching me from Lunesta to Ambien, so we'll see if that helps. Hopefully that will arrive in the mail today or tomorrow.

Over the last seven nights I've had three C's, three D's, and one F. And I'm supposed to work today-- I'll be lucky if I can remember my own name, much less be able to do anything productive. The issues causing this sleep are, in order:

• My Career: Can't do much about this, I have a wife and kids to support, plus I'd be leaving ten months of full-time severance pay on the table should they lay me off at some point-- so I don't want to quit.


• My Living Arrangement: I'm stuck here for the next six years, when my son will be 18 years old. We're trying to mitigate this by spending more time in the Twin Cities, in the in-law's house living like a normal family, by ourselves, where I'll feel safe.


• Church Stress: The work I do for my church is the favorite part of my life-- but I do get performance anxiety. Last weekend it was nerves operating a griddle for a pancake breakfast; this weekend it's altar serving with my son for the first-ever time (I've done it before, but he hasn't).

Another thing I'm looking at is potentially taking an FMLA leave. My employer's policies regarding this are somewhat difficult to understand, so I may need to meet with an HR person for clarification.

Other than all of this, just been playing a lot of "International Superstar Soccer 64" on an actual N64 and CRT TV; "Avowed" on my gaming PC; mixed in with some "Super Street Fighter II" on Genesis on my CRT via the OLED Steam Deck and RetroArch, and a plethora of 3DO games, also on my CRT TV.

I've been in a period of spiritual dryness the past few days, to the point where I've been impatient, irritable, and even angry. It's been due to pretty intense sleep deprivation. Thankfully, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday, and he's switching me from Lunesta-- to which I've developed both a tolerance and a dependence-- to Ambien. I think it's sort of like crop rotation: once in awhile you need to switch what you're using.

But then this morning I listened to some missionary information a super dear friend of mine sent me, and it was both moving and re-invigorating! I'm rattling around different ideas right now: he told me they pretty much always need IT help plus project management experience abroad; also, I wonder if I could weave a Catholic flavor into things if I became an ordained deacon-- like, help with IT infrastructure, and also teach the Bible, the Catechism, do liturgical services, and so on?

On a different note, in just a couple of hours Lazio take on Juventus in a game which, if Lazio loses, any even remote chance of finishing in fourth evaporates. But even sixth place becomes a challenge! I'd like to see us finish in the Europa League spots minimally, so we have some extra funds to continue our nearly "from scratch" squad overhaul project, in which we're in year one of probably three.

I've been playing Obsidian's "Avowed" on my PC with all the settings cranked up almost to max. The game's ray-traced global illumination is phenomenal! The only settings I turned down to second-from-best were shadows, and the aforementioned RTGI. With FSR3's "Balanced" setting, I'm getting between 80 and 100 fps at all times, with VRR enabled to my LG C3 TV.

The PC is a Ryzen 9700x with a Radeon 9070 XT. Just check out the indirect lighting in this game, especially the shots where the character is indoor and the outdoor light is flooding in through the opening-- it looks like "Minecraft RTX", except with modern texture resolutions and geometry! Click for the full resolution versions:

I had someone say to me tonight that women should be allowed to be priests in the Catholic church, because "it was just Paul saying otherwise". I didn't want to pick a fight, but it warrants writing about, even just briefly.

Peter was quite literally the rock upon whom Jesus built the Church-- and Peter trusted Paul implicitly. So if you were to rank, out of the countless billions of human beings who have come and gone, all people according to "likelihood to have been divinely inspired", then line them all up like a huge downward mountain slope, surely Paul would be way, way, way up there at the summit-- like, top ten of literally all time or something, right?

At that point it becomes a question of, "why believe anything in the Bible?" Why believe the Gospels, or even the Old Testament? I mean, it was just Luke, right? C'mon, it was just Moses, for goodness sake! Let's get real here!

And that leads me to my next point: this person isn't Catholic-- and isn't even Christian. She doesn't believe the Bible. So criticisms of the Church just comes across as concern trolling. And few things are more irritating than concern trolling, if I'm honest, no matter what the subject.

Now my final point: who cares if women can't become priests? Like, quite literally-- why should anyone care? Prove it to me that I should care. Men can't become sisters. So what? I don't care about that either. How many women did Jesus select as Apostles? Both men and women have plenty of roles to play within the Church-- there is plenty to go around.

I've been watching a lot of football even outside of Lazio lately, and one game I caught a little of was Roma's win over Fiorentina today. The announcers were doing indecent things to themselves during half-time: "Oh, going to be unbeaten in eighteen games, oh wow Claudio Ranieri, oh wow oh boy!", and on and on and on they want.

Eighteen games is almost half a season. It is a very good stretch, to be sure. But let's also provide a little context to balance the conversation, which none of them were doing. I'm going to compare Roma with Lazio, since that's the team I follow of course-- but the comparisons could be made in any number of other ways too:

• It doesn't matter what you do over eighteen games; what matters is what you do over thirty-eight. Roma have a whopping 82.9 million EUR payroll, fourth highest in the entire league. They should be finishing in the Champions League spots-- that's not impressive-- it's expected, given their wage bill. For reference, Lazio spends twenty million less on wages, and have the same number of wins this year, at eighteen. If anyone is impressive, it's Lazio not Roma-- or even moreso, look at Atalanta!


• In four of the past five seasons, Lazio have finished above Roma in the table. In many seasons teams like Atalanta and Bologna also finished higher than Roma, despite having way less of a wage bill.


• This past fiscal year, Roma ran an eye-popping 81 million EUR loss. That's in one season! Lazio? 38.5 million EUR profit.


• In terms of overall debt, Roma are the third most in-debt team in the entire league! They have 636.3 million EUR in debt! This versus Lazio's 282.7. In terms of net debt, the numbers are -139.4 and -38.1, respectively.


• To clubs like Lazio, Bologna, or Atalanta to name a few, making the Champions League is just icing, and a massive overachievement. To Roma, they need to make it just to have any even remote possibility of even halving all of the red on their balance sheet next year!

The fact is, this streak Roma are on brings them to the bare minimum of what they should be achieving, if you just take two steps back and add in some context.

With the amount of money they've over-spent, requiring almost a billion EUR of cash dumped into the club by their owner just to keep them solvent, they should be Scudetto contenders. But looking at the league tables over the past several years, what has this money gotten them exactly?

Barely going on four hours of sleep today, so I'm taking a brief respite from work to wrap up some writing. I thought it'd be fun to address a few "what do Catholics believe"-style questions which I've heard recently.

Disclaimer: I'm a lay person who has only been returned to the Church for a few years! Please do validate whatever I say with a priest, the Catholic Catechism, etc. before you take them as any kind of truth! The below is just my understanding at this point in my own learning journey.


Do Catholics Read the Bible?

Yes, they do! Every Catholic church I've ever encountered has one-- sometimes several-- Bible reading groups. Every devout Catholic I've ever met has several Bibles in their house. I've been Lectoring for a couple of years now, and I've read significant swathes of the Bible to the congregation over that time, just during the course of the Catholic Mass!

But there is also some truth to the stereotype. Being 2000 years old, the Catholic Church has had a gazillion ecumenical councils, where over the literally millennia it has distilled the Bible and other sacred sources into a living document called "The Catechism", which you can read online here. As well, all of the Church's Traditions are based on sacred scripture-- for instance, you can read about the Catholic Mass here; most things in the Mass, down to many little details, have some kind of rooted explanation behind them, if you drill down deep enough.

So Catholics in general aren't as good typically at quoting scripture off the top of their heads like our Protestant brothers and sisters are-- I think this is something Catholics can do better. But on the flip-side, devout Catholics are phenomenal at following both the Catholic Church's "big T" and "little t" traditions, which are the "playbooks" and models for how to live-- so they wind up living the scripture in their moment-to-moment existences, even if they haven't necessarily memorized which verse of John something was originally from.

Personally, I find the Catholic churches with their beautiful stained glass windows, their cruets and their monstrances, lavabo pitchers and purificators, sanctuaries and altars with glowing red sanctuary lamps; the priests with their chasubules and amices; the thurifers leaving behind a smoky trail of burning incense; the organ, piano, and sometimes even blaring trumpet music; all it really brings the sacramental life to reality, and speaks directly to me of the glory of God.

None of those things are necessary by the way! Wherever followers gather, there is the Church. But they are nice add-ons, to help us more fully devote ourselves in prayer and worship to and of the Lord.

My wife is the Bible study kind of person. Whereas for me, I've found myself extremely drawn to the liturgical aspects of the Faith, and that's why I've become so involved in that respect-- I sort of absorb pieces of The Word indirectly via other means. I'm not saying this is good or preferable-- I'm just offering an explanation for the stereotype, for which I'm partly to blame I suppose! I should do a lot more direct Bible reading than I do.

The Catholic Church also has an almost unfathomable history of upper-case Saints, many of whom participated directly in miracles from the Lord Himself, and many of whom communed directly with God on a more attuned level than most of us, to the point of having direct visions of and overt, actual conversations with Jesus, Mary, angels, and other figures. I've only just started to delve into what can be gleaned from the various things God has directly communicated via these Saints.


Do Catholics Hate Gay People?

No! In fact, there are tons of queer, practicing Catholics. I recently read that twenty five percent of religious LGBTQ people are Catholic.

The Church teaches that the model for sexual relations is: a man and a woman, married-- not in the civil sense, but before God (it's a pity and source of confusion that the two concepts share the same word of "marriage" in English, because they are two, discrete concepts)-- with children, and having sex for pro-creative purposes. Anything outside of that model is considered outside of God's plan for us, where sexual matters are concerned.

It is not sinful to have sexual thoughts outside of this. What is sinful is indulging in them. It's like Mel Gibson once said: "I can't control my first thought, but I can control my second thought." The sin comes in when you give in to the temptation, either by rolling around in fantasies, or through overt sexual acts. Here is the "Confiteor" prayer, which is said at most Masses, bold emphasis is mine. It's a beautiful prayer!



There are a couple of things to note in the bolded section. First, the emphasis on not just deeds but thoughts as well! Second, it's not just what you do, but what you fail to do. More on that latter point in a second.

LGBTQ people are not in any way, shape, or form being "singled out" or excluded in even a remote way from being Catholic, or being part of the church! I happen to be straight, and in full disclosure I struggle with sexual sin as much as anyone. I can't even count the number of times I've looked at a beautiful woman walking past, and indulged in sinful thinking. This is something-- again, as a straight person-- I am constantly bringing to Confession.

About queer relationships being blessed within the Catholic church-- once again, LGBTQ people are not being "singled out", as if every kind of heteronormative relationship can be blessed, whereas other relationships can't. This is not true! My wife and I are one woman and one man, and we were "married" in the civil sense-- but even we couldn't get our marriage blessed within the Catholic Church! We had to make some changes to bring the relationship within God's parameters. It was only once we'd completed those steps, that we were able to get our marriage blessed.

So to reiterate, it's not that the Catholic Church is "anti-gay"-- it just puts forth a specific model for what constitutes proper sexual behavior, whether the relationship in question is straight, gay, lesbian, queer, or whatever it may be. The alternative for sexual relations outside of God's parameters is chastity: many holy orders, such as priests and sisters, take life-long vows of chastity. And even straight, married people are often chaste if there is some aspect of the sexual relations which is not pro-creative, or which is closed to the pro-creative aspects of the act.

My personal view is that way too much emphasis in our society is placed on sex. Out of all of the people I most dearly love, there is zero sexual element involved in any of the relationships other than the one with my wife-- and even then, the sexual portion is a tiny part of what makes our relationship meaningful. The Catholic Church wants us to have intimately close relationships with one another-- that's a good thing! But just without the sexual aspect in most cases-- that's all which is being asked.

So what about that second part of the bolded statement-- that it's not just what we do, but what we fail to do? God loves us all perfectly and completely. The Catholic Church also teaches that we are to strive to love one another as God loves us. Jesus also said that the first person to throw the stone should be the one who has never sinned.

Being sinners-- sexual or otherwise-- does not exclude us from being part of the Catholic Church. Otherwise there'd be no one in the Church!

However, Jesus also told the woman, "Go, and sin no more." What God does ask of us is that we repent: we should approach God through a spirit of humility, authentic contrition, and obedience through the Sacrament of Confession, to do penance and thus repair the rift we've created between ourselves and God, and ourselves and the community (no sin is committed in isolation-- it harms others as well!).

Failing to love others-- something we may fail to do-- is also a sin! So if we find ourselves condemning others due to their sexual activities or for any other reason-- focusing too much on the splinter in someone else's eye while ignoring the plank in our own eye-- we need to also take that to Confession, and repent of it. Everyone is on some kind of journey with the Lord.

I think I'll end this section with a story I read recently. At a particular Catholic church, there was a transgender individual who would come before every single Mass and light all of the candles. We all have "our things", and this was "her thing"-- lighting the candles. Interestingly, she dressed very flamboyantly, with bright colored hair and clothes-- so she became a real fixture in that church, happily lighting all of the candles all the time in a very visible way.

One day, she didn't show up. There were murmurs: "Where the heck is she? Is she ok?" After Mass, some members of the congregation did some digging and found out: she'd had a stroke, and was dying in the hospital. Everyone in the congregation chipped in, and filled that whole hospital room not just with themselves in this individual's final moments, but with so many flowers they couldn't even all fit in the room.

The people in the congregation undoubtedly recognized that some of this individual's proclivities were sinful, just as the same thing could be said of many of their own proclivities. Some people suffer from sexual temptation; others to rob banks; others to slander; or any other number of things. Everyone has a cross to bear. But we should still choose to love and pray for one another!


Do Catholics Believe People Who Don't Believe in God Go To Hell?

My daughter asked me this one recently! "Let's say there is this super good person, but who doesn't believe in God-- you're telling me they go to Hell??"

To answer this question we need to ask: what is Hell? And to answer that, we need to ask, what is Heaven?

Heaven is eternal communion with God. God exists outside of time and space. He lives in an "eternal moment". If we choose to be humble, authentically contrite of heart, and we ask for God's infinite Mercy-- if we choose God, to have a relationship with Him, to fully unite our hearts with Him-- then that is what we will receive! When we die, we will be one with God in the eternal moment.

But what if we actively reject the relationship with God? Well, then we won't have the relationship with him in eternity! The lack of a relationship with God in eternity is called "Hell". It's sort of like if you say, "do you want to be my friend?", and I say "no". That means we aren't friends! To be friends, we both need to say "yes"! The whole concept just doesn't make any sense if one of us declines.

God always says "yes". He loves us so much, that we quite literally can't even process how much. He desperately wants us to love Him! He wants all of us to live in the "eternal moment" with Him! You want proof as to how much He loves us? He loves us so much, that he gave us free will. He could have made us dumb automaton robots-- but He didn't! Because it's not love when it's merely pre-programmed.

But as a result of His great gift of free will, we need to choose to also have the relationship with Him, from our side of the picture. This relationship is "Heaven".

The Catholic Church also teaches that we'll be judged contextually. Let's say you are like the character in "The Horde", raised exclusively by a pack of wild cows, and were never taught about God-- then you die. You are not going to be excluded from communion with the Lord simply due to a lack of knowledge. Similarly, let's say you were only ever told lies about God, and rejected Him solely on the basis of those lies-- you will be judged with that context in mind as well.


Do Catholics Really Believe Three People Can Be One Person?

This is more of a general Christian theology one and not Catholic-specific, but it's a great question!

Catholics believe that God is three persons in one nature. Your nature is like a well: when you take a thought or an action, you draw from the well of your nature. If you are kind-hearted and gentle, you'll draw that bucket up and take a gentle action; if you're violent and evil, you'll draw the bucket up and probably perform some kind of violent or evil act.

Human natures can change by the way! The process of a changing nature, from evil towards good, is called conversion.

In the universe which God has created, there is a 1-to-1 relationship between "person" and "nature"-- each person has his or her own nature. Even in the case of identical twins, they have their own separate natures, which differ in probably a million different ways! They may even be similar, but they are two distinct wells, to stick with my metaphor.

In the case of the three God persons-- the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit-- they are all drawing from the same well: the same nature. It's not something we can wrap our human brains around, but that's what it is.

While we're on the subject, what if you could-- within your very mind-- encapsulate someone else, totally, down to every single molecule, every single atom, every single thought, word, action, down to their very nature, completely and 100% totally? Then, what if you could blink that encapsulation into reality? What if you could even do this with yourself?

That's who the Son is. The Father made a 100% perfect "copy" of Himself, so-to-speak, then created the Son. Of course, the word "then" isn't correct, because it implies time-- like, there was a time when it was just the Father, and the Son hadn't been "created" yet. Again, this is something we can't understand with our human brains.

Time is the measure of change. God is unchanging, and exists outside of time and space. He lives in an "eternal moment", and even the word "moment" there isn't ideal. "Time" doesn't make any sense when talking about God. But because human language is limited to human concepts, we just have to do the best we can.

So who is the Holy Spirit then? The Father and the Son together spirate-- or breath-- the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is just as completely God as are the Father and Son, sharing the same nature, and not missing anything or being incomplete in any way.

When Moses asked God for His name, God replied: "yhwh", the letters being Yod, Heh, Waw, Heh. Adding in some vowels, "yahweh". Some have commented that this is the sound of breathing; perhaps we are ourselves spirating God's name when we simply breath? "Yah", inhale, "weh" exhale. And perhaps death is when we can no longer breathe, and thus can no longer say God's name?

Food for thought.

Oh, and on the subject of the Trinity, it's what's called by the Catholic Church "a mystery". The Church doesn't view mysteries as something we can understand-- rather, they are like a fountain, or a waterfall: you can keep returning to it for a drink, and every time you take a drink from it, you understand the mystery and God just that little bit better.


Do Catholics Worship Mary and Statues?

This is an easy one: no!

Mary is the virgin mother of God. She conceived of Jesus divinely. As the immaculate mother of God, Catholics view her as a most holy of figure, for sure! But she is not God-- Catholics only worship the Lord! Mary-- and the Saints for that matter-- are what Catholics call intercessors. It's like if you have a super devout neighbor, and you ask them to pray for you for an upcoming cancer treatment or something. We too can ask Mary to pray for us!

As for statues, that's just plain silly, yet I do hear it from time-to-time. Statues and their like are called devotional materials. For example, I have a small copy of the Divine Mercy painting on my wall: I don't worship the painting! "Oh most holy metal picture frame, most holy piece of paper with inkjet printer blots on it, I worship you!"

Rather, the picture is just something I use to help me pray: it reminds me of the Lord's endless Mercy! It helps me devote myself more fully to God in prayer-- that's all.

Went to the Minnesota United-Vancouver game with my dad this past Sunday! Click the picture for the full-size version.



Unfortunately, the match itself was rather poor quality, plus Minnesota United got routed in the second half, total mental collapse on the two latter-most goals they conceded. It was a big six-pointer too, but Vancouver really are a class above-- their number 7, Jayden Nelson, and their number 26, Jean Claude Ngando, really stood out watching the game in person: most of the danger was flowing through those two for much of the match.

Despite the low quality of the game, I loved the stadium and atmosphere so much that if I ever do wind up moving back to the Twin Cities, I will undoubtedly buy season tickets. I'm also going to subscribe to the MLS season pass so I can watch the rest of the team's season.

My daughter and I had our little "Switch 2 Pre-Order Party" last night, were up past midnight but managed to land two of the bundles-- one via Walmart, and another via Best Buy! Not only that, but I managed to land a third bundle this morning for a friend of mine, again via Walmart-- she is going to pay me back.

Beyond that I ordered:

• Street Fighter 6; excited to play through the totally zany open-world mode again, plus this edition has all of the new characters, stages, and colors, not to mention it's a handheld version of my favorite fighter of the last twenty-plus years.


• The new Pro Controller.


• Two of the official carrying cases, one for each of myself and my daughter.


• A 256 GB microSD Express card; 256 GB of internal storage is going to fill up fast with how big modern games are-- so doubling that seems like a no-brainer to me.


• I even bought the camera. I figure my daughter will have a lot of fun with it once her friends get Switch 2's, and even I'll use it. It's kind of nice to have in the house.

I'd like to order Cyberpunk 2077 as well, sort of debating it. That's a game which would be fun to enjoy again, but on a handheld. I might wait for full reviews once it comes out, to see how performance is. If it can maintain 40 fps, it actually might be really pleasant on the Switch 2's 120 Hz VRR display. But if it always dips into the twenties or something, I think I'd just get frustrated with it.

The Duality of Purpose involves two things which seem contradictory at first, but are in fact complimentary.

First, we are called to aspire to love one another in the same was as does the Lord. This means putting ourselves last, and in total service to others. To accomplish this, we must have fully compassionate and open hearts, pure motives, and a clean spirit so that we can recognize and understand the needs of others. We should smile and turn our warm countenances towards these poor souls, with mercy, as the Lord does unto us.

Second, we must also recognize that relationships to things on Earth are ephemeral: people pass away, kids move off to college, churches close, houses burn down, cars get damaged in accidents. Therefore, our happiness can not be based on ephemeral things, because they fade into nothingness. At the worst, they can become a source of great ego and vanity. So what then is the rock upon which we must rest our souls?

Our relationship with the Lord! It must come before all other things. It is the one constant upon which we can always depend. If we truly love the Lord, and unite our hearts with Jesus so that we can constantly be in communication with Him, even in the noisiest periods of our days, only then do we have the strength, the direction, and the will to know how to love others completely.

If we let the Lord shine upon us at all times, then we can face any challenge! Because we will always have that unweathered foundation, which is stronger than diamond or any substance in this universe. This gives us a form of healthy detachment from Earthly things: we can love them deeply and keep them within a Godly perspective at the same time. They compliment because in fact this inspired orientation is not possible in any other way but through unity with Jesus.

This is the Duality of Purpose, as it is being interiorally described to me. It was inspired within me as the culmination of some observations I had at a Pastoral Council meeting, some words spoken to me by the same priest who channeled the Lord during my confession last month, and by prayer to our Holy Father.

I survived Holy Week! Unfortunately, Pope Francis only barely did-- God rest his soul, please pray for him. As a result of the Pope's passing, the Lazio game today against Genoa got delayed.

About Lazio, I haven't had time to write about their European defeat. The thing to remember about this Lazio team is that they are in year one of a complete rebuild, from the front office, the scouting, and all the way to the players. The team doesn't have a lot of quality yet, but it does at least have a spine which can be built on. Players like Mandas, Gila, Tavares, Guendouzi, Rovella, Belehyane, and Castellanos should all have key roles in the project moving forward. Maybe even Noslin and Tchaouna, although I suspect they will be sold for further capital investment.

Regarding the Bodo Glimt disaster in general: imagine two people fist fighting, and you've got money on the outcome. You cheer "your" fighter on every time he lands a big blow. But after a while, both fighters' noses are broken, their eyes are sealed close, one of them has a broken arm, they can barely walk anymore, there is blood absolutely everywhere-- it's a nightmare. At some juncture, you stop caring about your bet, and the humanistic aspect takes over.

That's how I felt about the second leg. Half of the players on either team could hardly stand anymore. It went back and forth, with 94th minute stoppage time goals, multiple counteracting goals in extra time, the ugliest, worst, lowest-quality penalty shootout I've ever seen, where their captain couldn't even finish it off only to have a one-legged Castellanos also miss... the whole ordeal was so exhausting and brutal, at some point I stopped even caring who won. It was terrible. Either team would get knocked out by Spurs in the next round anyway.

Even in the league, there is every chance Lazio will finish outside of the European spots altogether when all is said and done. I watched Bologna beat Inter at the last second yesterday, so there goes the Champions League money at least. But again, this team had "potential relegation fodder" written all over it going into the season, so I would stick with Marco Baroni for next year and see what he can do if we buy a couple of high quality players.

Back to Holy Week, saying all of those readings at the beautiful Easter Vigil really felt like a gauntlet. I feel like I did really well with them. Then, up bright and early the next day, I really went out with a bang on Easter Sunday. I was altar server for only the third time ever, plus had a little prayer of mine answered that I could try being "the incense guy".

I sort of made a mess of it: I came out and went back at all of the correct times. But when I went to incense the congregation, I just imitated what I'd seen at the Chrism Mass-- I went to the right, incensed over there, then went central and did that, then went left and did over there. Afterwards, Father told me that in a small church, I should have just stood centrally and pivoted my body to incense right, then left, then center.

I also was completely unable to get the motion correct, to get the chain to clank. My spectrum-brain makes mechanical motions super difficult for me to learn as compared to a more "neurotypical" person-- it's been a pattern my whole life. I can do it, but it just takes me like four times the "normal" amount of practice (for example-- I can throw a baseball quite well now, but I had to do it a thousand times to get it down). So I am going to get there early to the church next time I'm a minister, and get that extra practice in with the thurible until I can do it correctly.

This might be a reoccurence of my ego issues. Do I want to do better for the glory of God and to serve the congregation better? Or do I want to do better so I can show everyone how cool I am? I need to do more prayer and introspection about that, to make sure my motives are correct.

I also tried to play some video games yesterday, but got bored really easily. Part of it was just being tired. However, I'm getting fatigued playing older games, because I've already played and mastered all of those genres. And I am not the target demographic for modern games, clearly. I'm curious what the future of the hobby will look like. I know numerous children, and not one of them has any interest in consoles-- so I don't think that's the model going forward.

From what I've seen kids just play Minecraft, Roblox, and Fortnite on "blue light special" laptops and crusy old iPads. That's all they want or need, probably because there isn't much new which is very exciting. And I've seen statistics where the average age of a PlayStation 5 owner is like 41, that seems like a demographic death spiral to me.

For anyone who prepares Sacred Chrism Oils in a very old church such as mine, you may find the Latin abbreviations on the vessels instead of the English ones! Here they are, just for reference in case it helps anyone:

• Oil of Catechumens (OS): Oleum Sanctorum
• Oil of the Sick (OI): Oleum Infirmorum
• Sacred Chrism (SC): Sacrum Chrisma

At the big church in town, which is much more contemporary, I noticed that they have the English abbreviations on their vessels, which are:

• Oil of Catechumens (OC)
• Oil of the Sick (OS)
• Sacred Chrism (SC)

A very good friend of mine sent me this, which does a deep dive into how not only did Christ die on the cross to atone for our sins, but also to heal us. He felt compelled to reach out to me due to all of my anxiety issues-- I can't wait to get started on the material.

It's Satan who puts all of these doubts and anxieties into my mind, to try to stop me from doing the Lord's will. He waits for a moment of vulnerability, then tells me I can't do it-- that I'll make a mistake and be humiliated. My friend also pointed out to me that in succumbing to those fears, I am elevating the opinions of man above God's. After all, if I made a mistake, would God love me any less? In fact, perhaps persevering past and through a mistake would inspire others: "Look at him, he keeps performing ministries, even after what happened!"

Last night we had the Holy Thursday Mass at "the big church" in town. I was blessed with the opportunity to carry and help present the Oil of Catachumens during the opening procession and just after. I also got to wash people's feet immediately after the Homily-- it was incredible watching the love on people's faces, the pureness of heart, with which husbands and wives washed each other's feet, or with which a mother washed her child's feet-- it was etched all over their faces.

While praying after having just received the Body and Blood, I started paying attention to everyone around me. And I mean really paying attention. I watched one of the Extraordinary Ministers, with the cup-- another friend of mine-- shifting his weight a little, like perhaps his back was bothering him, or he was nervous putting himself out there to perform the ministry. I observed everyone going up to receive the Eucharist, and their facial expressions, their little tics, or the tenderness of their smiles.

And for the first time in my life, for just maybe thirty seconds, I felt genuine and heartfelt solidarity-- communion-- with others. I loved all of them. Even the strangers felt like brothers and sisters. I had to hold back tears. I hope I can return to that state again, or eventually maybe live in that mode?

After the Mass was ended, we processed to the old church, which is interiorly adjoined to the new church complex. The priest reposed Jesus in a box, symbolizing His being in the prison cell awaiting trial with Pilate. We spent an hour in front of the Lord, kneeling and praying. During this time, I had a clear mental image develop in my mind's eye. The image was like this:

I saw multitudes of people, in all directions, as far as my eyes could see. Some of them were merely walking, or sitting, or standing still. Others were doing unspeakably bad things to each other. Above each person, there appeared a sort of giant water droplet-- like dew. These giant dew droplets represented God's mercy. Every person within sight had one above them. The water in these droplets was held in by a sort of invisible membrane, as water droplets tend to form ordinarily.

Most of the people-- nine in ten, at least-- either didn't notice their water droplet at all. Or if they did notice, they took no heed of its presence. But some rare people reached up with their hands, and punctured the membranes-- at which point, they were cascaded with water: sopping, dripping wet, hair, clothes and all. This was a showering for them in God's mercy. As the water fell on them, they would raise their hands and their faces up to heaven, and a bright light would shine down on them.

I felt very sad for the people who didn't see the water droplet, or who chose to ignore it. God's grace, infinite love, and mercy was literally right there, right above their heads, on offer freely! All they had to do was reach up and grab it, with a contrite heart!

I need to leave in exactly one hour to help preparations for the 3:00 Good Friday service. I have the great blessing of being able to narrate The Passion for the congregation today. My fellow lector and sacristan, Mary-- who has been an excellent role model for me, she is a very holy woman-- will be in the choir loft as "voice". I'm feeling a little nervous, I have questions about some of the minutae, which I need to clarify with our pastor-- but I always feel more confident once I am within the confines of the church itself, surrounded by everyone, and in the moments performing the actual ministries.

Then tomorrow night it is the Easter Vigil Mass, where once again I am blessed with the responsibility of being lector, and also sacristan. It feels good to be in service to others! I also volunteered to handle the transferring of the new Sacred Oils into their vessels, along with burning the old oils. This feels like a very holy duty for me to perform, and I'm looking forward to doing the job well, with great relish.

Got up in a horrendous mood; my pattern of waking up at 3:00am every morning has continued. Popped an Abilify for the first time in a couple of weeks though, grabbed some coffee, and I'm feeling much better. So much more motivated in fact that I updated the Steam Deck, and started fishing around for the plethora of screenshots I'd taken of "Soccer Kid" on 3DO, hoping to write a blog post about how much I like that game. But I can't find them! I checked the Deck, my gaming PC, the server-- nowhere to be found!

I guess next time I play through the game I'll need to re-capture a bunch. I'd like to do a whole series of blog posts about various 3DO games, with lots of screenshots. Maybe I'll pick a different game for today? I found a ton of "Escape from Monster Manor" shots on the Deck. Speaking of the Steam Deck, what a cool device, being able to hop into KDE, I've got my wallpaper set, the taskbars all organized-- it's literally a handheld GNU/Linux PC! I should find more excuses to play it-- it collects dust most of the time, sadly.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow's game against Bodø/Glimt. If you go back and watch the first leg highlights of their last round where they absolutely took apart Olympiacos, you'll see that they are in constant movement, and continually have late runners both overlapping and moving towards and into the area.

Lazio's players need to approach this game as if they are about to play Barcelona-- because I think in real-world terms, the challenge is comparable: it'll be played in frigid temperatures, in the snow, on a synthetic pitch, against a team exploding with confidence and with absolutely nothing to lose. They will be playing out of their shirts.

My take is that Baroni should instruct the defenders to always be looking over their shoulders, especially at the far post-- because against Olympiacos, the Bodø players were constantly running off the back shoulders and behind. Further, our wide players should be prepared to do a ton of defending: they will need to absolutely sprint their butts off to tightly mark all of the late runners.

I do think we can overmatch them in terms of footballing quality in the center of the park, on counterattacks. So if it were me, I would be prepared to defend, defend, and defend some more-- then try to get outlet passes into the center of the park, and let our technical quality hopefully give us some opportunities from there.

Conversely, if our players come out arrogant or are looking past Bodø and towards the derby, I could see Bodø putting numerous goals past us, just like Inter and Bologna did.

Just posted a couple of new reviews over at the 'Wharf-- two PlayStation 5 games, "Astro Bot" and "Monster Hunter Wilds". I haven't been reviewing many games because I haven't been playing many games-- funny how that works!

Had one of those awful nights where I woke up about fifty times, and basically didn't sleep after 3:00am. I'm essentially non-functional today-- just loosely monitoring work messages, but otherwise incapable of setting my mind to accomplishing anything productive. Also unable to take a nap, because... I can't nap. Sleep is one of those magical things where it only happens to me when conditions are just so. It's very tenuous and unstable.

My favorite metal album of all time is Yngwie Malmsteen's "Rising Force", which you can listen to here. For the first time in a while I gave it a listen this morning, while exercising. I love everything about it-- the musicmanship, the song writing... I even love its imperfections.

I have a co-worker who is a former classical guitarist, and who was quite technical himself in his prime, able to play stuff like this, which is extremely impressive. I was talking to him once and he criticized Yngwie as being "sloppy"-- but to me it sounds wild and out of control. To me Jimi Hendrix has the same sound and vibe going on. Go look up Yngwie Malmsteen live in the 80s on YouTube-- he was quite literally karate kicking and throwing his guitar around himself right in the middle of solos. He wasn't aiming for laser precision.

There's even a term for that in art, which I can't recall at the moment-- it describes human imperfections as making the art better. A band I used to listen to way back in high school, called "Fear Factory", used a drum machine to record the double bass for their album "Demanufacture"-- it was literally computer-level perfect. But they realized it was missing the human aspect, so for their next album, "Obsolete", they just had their drum player perform it himself in studio. The album received great praise from punditry compared to its predecessor as a result of that change. "Obsolete" was less perfect-- but better.

In any event, I might go eat an early lunch-- I'm super hungry-- then try to accomplish even just a little work-related stuff, if I can get my brain to even remotely focus. I might also try eating dinner right before going to bed; some people online suggest that plummeting blood sugar levels can cause persistent waking very early in the morning.

Probably everyone by now has seen that Nintendo has delayed the Switch 2 pre-orders in light of the new tariffs introduced by the Trump Administration. People such as one of my favorite game-related YouTubers, VG Esoterica, have done a great job covering the topic.

Everyone is talking about how they will now have to pay more to get the latest and greatest video game system. That sucks, right?! But one thing I haven't heard even a single person explain is: why the tariffs? Surely it's not some random and malevolent plot to just make things more expensive out of pure spite, is it?

Thankfully, I spent over a decade avidly studying the boring subject of economics so you don't have to!

I was brought up into the economic thought process of pure liberalism-- schools like Keynesianism, then Monetarism, then later the Austrian way of thinking. All three of those schools more or less agree that tariffs are bad. Why? Well, because if two parties are willing to make a voluntary exchange, then by definition that exchange must benefit both sides, lest why would they agree to the exchange in the first place?

Thus, wealth is created! Introducing a tariff just throws gum in the works and prevents people from generating wealth and thereby raising the standard of living. On paper and in the abstract, that makes sense! Unfortunately, when you get into the real world that model winds up being way too simplistic.

There is a competing school of economic thought called Protectionism. Under that line of thinking, it is recognized that trade imbalances occur between nations: some economies wind up as producing economies, while others wind up as consuming economies. That's exactly what's occurred with the United States in relation to other nations such as China, with whom the US is perpetually setting new all-time trade deficit records.

I've watched how, just in my lifetime, liberalism-- as the dominant economic way of thinking-- has directly resulted in the middle class in the United States getting pretty much completely erased as virtually the entire manufacturing core has been wiped out by corporations closing all of the factories and shipping all of the middle class jobs overseas. Hardly anyone in this country can even afford groceries or housing or anything else for that matter because the only jobs left for traditionally working class people are in the poorly paid service sector!

An entire class of people have been left behind by the globalism / liberalism paradigm. I think it's very sad.

This has also created national security risks, as all of the expertise in making so many things has "brain drained" out of the country, along with all of the tooling and capital machinery. Additionally, many of these liberal "trade deals" have been horrible for the US worker, as they were negotiated in bad faith to further enrich the wealthy.

The aim of Protectionism is to reverse those trends.

As an economic way of thinking, Protectionism has a long and rich history going back centuries, even within the United States itself. It's not new by any stretch. In fact, tariffs are widely used all around the world today by other countries, against the US. What Trump is attempting to do is create a renaissance in manufacturing within the United States, and also use the tariffs as a bludgeon via which to negotiate trade deals more favorable to the middle class.

For me personally, I have absolutely no clue whether this new wave of Protectionist economic policy in the United States will have its desired effect: the idea is that the country will be able to politically endure short-run pain in the form of a slumping stock market and higher consumer prices, in exchange for a mid-to-long-term economic renaissance for the middle class, if the plan works.

The old model failed-- so I'm willing to try something new for awhile and see how it goes.

The risk is that we're so far gone as a country economically, so far into debt, with the working class so impoverished, that a crushing depression could occur, causing an out-and-out "rebellion", either figuratively or literally, to happen-- flushing out the current administration, and re-introducing economic liberalism with the next one in a desperate attempt to right the flagging ship, and return to the imbalanced-but-somewhat-stable status quo of the past forty-odd years.

The only reason I bring this all up is to offer some badly missing context and perspective, which I'm not seeing from anyone else. Yes, you might have to pay a little more to buy a Nintendo Switch 2 in 2025. Yes, that qualifies as short-term pain, and pain sucks. But the missing part of that equation why these policies are being enacted-- it's not random; there is a method to the madness.