Yesterday, I took the hour-and-a-half drive down to the seat of my diocese to meet with the deacon who directs the diaconal formation program. I absolutely loved my conversation with him, but it was also a splash of cold water-- it's like that old 80s song, "Back to life, back to reality".

There are no fewer than six hurdles where I could get tripped up, just getting into the program! This isn't "gee I might fail once there"-- this is to just get accepted!

1. The Pastor: I'll need to have not just an in-depth conversation with my pastor, but also get a letter of recommendation from him. I've already talked very briefly to him about this, so it's not like he's in the dark-- but he could definitely say, "You know, I don't think you're deacon material." Could happen that I stutter and stall right at the start.


2. The Pastoral Council: I will need a letter of support from the Pastoral Council. I'm on the Pastoral Council, so I think I would be able to get past this step-- but weirder things have happened.


3. The Application: If I get past the first two potential pitfalls, then I submit a bundle of application-related documents including the referral letters. This packet goes before an entire board, and they could very well shoot me down right then and there.


4. The Interview: From there I-- and not just me, but my wife too!-- get interviewed by the entire aforementioned board. They analyze me based on a whole ton of criteria such as my deep-down motives, and myriad other things most of which I'm probably not even remotely familiar with. This is the most likely point where I could go down in flames.


5. The Psych Eval: If I manage to get past the board, I could see the psychologist raising questions about my suitability due to my past anxiety issues. Could get past everything prior only to trip over this one.


6. The Bishop: After all of this, the entire application packet, plus the board's recommendation, go before our Bishop. There is every chance I could clear every single hurdle-- only for the Bishop to say "no" at the very end. Could happen-- not unheard of.

To put it bluntly, I'm nervous to go through this process.

Even in my conversation with the deacon, I sensed that he was detecting some red flags with me: nothing major, we had a really nice chat overall, but I do have some character elements which need refining for sure; I don't set boundaries all that well, have a tough time saying "no" to things, and am altogether too perfectionistic and eager much of the time, all of which I think he picked up on.

All of this said, I wouldn't have the above process any other way: despite my nervousness, I am going to try framing it in my mind as them helping me to figure out if I'm a good fit, or not. I wouldn't want me or anyone else being out in the community as a deacon who is not suited to the task.

I was also given a book which discusses 101 questions and answers regarding what deacons are, and what they do. Before I proceed with an application, I want to read through that book and make sure I don't run across any last-minute "a-hahs". The deacon is on vacation next week, so I have over a week to figure this out. Please pray for me!

One bit of good news was, I wouldn't even need to spend money leasing an apartment should I get accepted to the program: he told me that they rent rooms for students at very low prices, and that I could eat at the refectory. That's cool!

Changing topics a bit, I'm also tremendously nervous for this weekend's Mass. It'll be my son's only second time serving at the altar, and the first time was over a month ago. On top of it, I will almost certainly wind up being thurifer-- something I'm looking forward to, but am also scared I'll forget what to do or make a mistake.

Hopefully I can set aside some time this afternoon and tomorrow to give myself permission to relax and play some video games. I'm not always the best at making myself enjoy some leisure time.