Yesterday before Mass, I had one of my friends approach me in the Sacristy, and express her disappointment at how I had handled the setting up of a recent Liturgy Committee meeting: "How did I get invited, and why? I had no idea what we were supposed to be talking about; I kept waiting, 'are more people going to show up?' I'm sad and disappointed that I wasn't given more of a heads-up."

The reality was that I also had no idea what the agenda should have been, and also went into it blind! All the same, it was my fault for not explaining in greater detail what I had known. I explained all of this to her, and told her I was very sorry she was uncomfortable. "So am I", she replied with a smile.

And that was the end of the conversation-- we shifted to other, more happy subjects, and that was that. As I was driving home, it dawned on me: "So this is how healthy people express their feelings!"

Even though she was uncomfortable, sad, and disappointed, there was zero hint of anger, or malice, or a desire for retribution. Practically every single time in my life I encounter what she was feeling, it has carried along with it chains, where the person shouts and yells, expecting some kind of emotional or monetary restitution-- sometimes they even have ulterior motives, taking advantage of their emotional position to gain an edge over me and others.

But in the conversation with my friend, there were no strings attached. She wasn't looking for sympathy; she wasn't trying to make herself the center of attention. She wasn't trying to gain an upper hand, she wasn't trying to manipulate me. She felt a certain way, and simply wanted to share how she felt! It was constructive and positive and brought us closer together, versus shoving us further apart.

It was also a good lesson for me in practical terms: I've spent the past twenty-six years in my career in agenda-less meetings, leaning into uncertainty, thrown right into the fire-- it was a lack of empathy on my part that not everyone is cut out for or wants that kind of situation! From now on when I set up these church meetings, I will do a mental assessment of each person individually, and check in where it's warranted to make sure they feel good going in.