Regular readers will know that for the past twelve-or-so years I've been struggling with this crippling anxiety-related issue known as "derealization". For new readers, it's like living in a fog or a haze; like you're watching a movie instead of living a real life; like there is a pane of glass between you and others, to the point where you can't emotionally connect with anything-- you're just going through the motions.

I've been in therapy twice, and it was not particularly helpful either time. However, for the first time in that entire period, I've achieved a sort of breakthrough.

The breakthrough really started perhaps fifteen years ago, even before I was derealized, as God was in this long, patient process of bringing me back to Him. He kept dropping me things-- little articles, or blog posts, or books my dad would send me-- that operated on my intellectual side. Then, He brought me and my family to the rural area, and the drive to the house involves passing this beautiful, very old Catholic Church-- my wife got sick me saying, "If I ever go back, it's going to be at that church". And indeed it came to pass.

When I came back to Jesus, my wife went with me, to the point where not only is she super close to The Father now, but she is going through the RCIA process to become Catholic! My kids were also baptized, and had first communion. But back to RCIA, I go to class with my wife every Thursday, both to support her and to continue my own faith journey via education. Through the RCIA class, I have come into contact with numerous people, all of whom have played some kind of role in bringing me closer to God.

One of the people there has provided me with half of what may be the final key I need to bust out of my derealization bubble. I've mentioned her on this site a few times already, in passing: she is a ninety-two year-old Sister who has been a nun for seventy years. She is very clearly at peace: if I want to be at peace, it makes sense to ask someone else who has already achieved it!

I kept praying for the courage, and an opportunity, to confide in her one-on-one about my anxiety issues. Sure enough, at class a few weeks ago, she approached me after class to give me a beautiful Pastoral Letter from our bishop: "I thought you might enjoy this!"

I took a huge "gulp!" and, fighting back tears the whole time, explained to her what's going on with me. After listening she said, to my total astonishment, "Yes, some decades ago I was seeing a psychiatrist for the same thing! One day the psychiatrist asked me to describe God. I started listing off adjectives. After several, I became stunned as I realized: I was describing me! Then I re-read through some of my journal entries. In one I said, 'God and I are partners-- but I am the senior partner.' The solution was for me to drop my ego, to stop trying to control everything, and to just let go of all of that."

Over the ensuing several nights, I prayerfully took her words to Jesus, and on one of those nights He hit me like a ton of bricks: it's my ego! I'm an arrogant asshole! I'm constantly trying to show off to others how smart I am! I tell myself I'm trying to help people with my knowledge-- but if I'm really honest with myself, I'm showing off: it's not real empathy I'm experiencing. It's like that concept of "Illumination of Conscience": God revealed to me how I truly am.

That was the first part of the puzzle. God bless this Sister, and thank Jesus for bringing her and I together! It's an incredible blessing.

But that was just the first half of the key. The second half came just a few days ago from this fellow, KJ Ozborne. I listened to his New Year's show, and all of these wonderful callers he had. It was the most at peace I'd been in many years. I felt very humbled by the Testimonies of these people, and I realized as I listened that KJ and his amazing guests are the kind of people I want to mold myself after.

I still haven't popped out of the bubble, but now I have the two pieces of the needle, and have put them together. I've dropped my pretensions, and my trying to prove to everyone how smart I am. I've stopped feeding my ego, which is a genetic curse I got from my father and his father, who are and were-- respectively-- very prone to arrogance. For the first time, I can really feel Jesus's presence with me, hanging out with me, sitting beside me even as I type this.

Maybe by sharing this story I can help others feel more confident that if they truly turn to Christ-- to truth, to love, to light-- that no matter how bad or hopeless they may feel, that salvation is there for them too.