The Exigent Duality
Going in Circles - 06:23 CST, 8/28/22 (Sniper)
I've read through Unreal plus Unity tutorials, and I'm plugging away at the Godot Engine ones-- I just don't find working in these environments to be fun. They emphasize doing as much as possible without code, whereas I find code to be the most readable, consistent, and enjoyable part of game programming.

They remind me of Dreams on the PlayStation 4, where you're using configuration to set up all of these connectors and things.

The most fun environment I've ever used has been Fuze, but the problem with it is that you're locked to the Switch. It's a shame they don't have the staff to port that platform to personal computers. But back to the main topic: the only thing keeping me motivated on these game engine tutorials is the "eye on the prize" aspect of, anything I implement can run anywhere-- even on mobile or in the browser, in the most extreme.

On to another topic, part of what hurts my enjoyment of things in general is what I'll call "OCD thinking": I'll be playing PlayStation 5, and think I should be playing old games instead because they're better; I'll play old games and wonder why I'm stuck in the past; I'll be outside with the kids and think I should be teaching myself piano; I'll be teaching myself piano, and worry I don't spend enough time with the kids. And on and on and on, to the point where I can't just live in the moment and truly enjoy anything.

In this case, if I were working in Fuze I'd be thinking I should be operating in a "real" game engine, for portability; now that I'm working in a "real" game engine, I think I should be using Fuze so I can enjoy myself more. All of this makes it difficult to know half the time what I actually like and don't.

I've restarted therapy, this time with someone who is willing to help me unravel myself versus telling me to pat my legs and breath. This counterproductive circular thinking will be the first thing I take up in my next appointment.