Let us begin this session by blessing ourselves in the name of the Diversity, the Inclusion, and the Holy Climate Change, Amen. Let us now reflect on the things which make this world Most Holy, the Blessed Sacraments and Sacred Commandments.
Our Commandments
Diversity Is Our Strength: The less people have in common, the more the group's members will be in harmony, and the more prosperous they will be. Therefore, it's important to remove as many white people, men, and Republicans as possible from every situation, to make the group ideologically homogeneous. Diversity!
Stereotyping Is Wrong: It's wrong to judge people based on superficial characteristics. And that's why we pigeonhole people not just into a couple of groups, but stereotype them into many! There are many ways to be a victim! Each specific to that person's life experiences... just kidding! Are you black? Are you a woman? Are you gay? Then you're a victim! Blessed are the victims among us, for they shall inherit the State Department, amen.
Inclusion, a Blessed Shibboleth: We need to include everyone, and make them feel welcome. Everyone! All are welcome here! Yes! Everyone who supports Black Lives Matter or who voted for Democrats are welcome! Those who like to fuck assholes are welcome! Those who want to increase the power of multi-billion dollar corporations are welcome! Let us now take a break to say a prayer: Oh, bless me Saint Patrisse, sanctify and save my soul, oh sanctimonious hero martyr Floyd, save our souls from the white devil Republicans and the fiery pits of the patriarchy, amen!
Mother Gaia Needs Help: Quick! Hurry my children, my flock! We need to immediately begin strip mining the Earth of all its cobalt and lithium with slave labor, so we can stop strip mining it of its oil! External combustion is the way forward, not internal combustion, you silly child! Or the atmosphere will be filled with too much plant food! The Earth already became Venus once when there was two hundred and sixty seven times more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere than today-- last time that happened we ran out of margaritas and our fossil fuel powered air conditioner broke. We can't live without air conditioning obviously, all of the curl goes out of our hair!
Everything is Racist: My flock, my faithful pupils, we are Children of Progress! We know that it's not a matter of whether a given object is racist, but rather how it's racist. Therefore we need to spend trillions of dollars-- trillions!-- to Build Back Better. With equity! This will make the world a better place, because everything will be ten times more expensive, and the poorest among us will be plunged into poverty. Which is their own fault for not going to college! Or for choosing to work for a living by not moving to California or Washington DC and becoming diversity consultants like the rest of us. Progress, my lamb, progress!
The Sacred Precept of Accessibility: Everything should be accessible to everyone! Only a bigot thinks movies aren't for blind people! Or that music isn't for the deaf! What else would they possibly do with their time otherwise? We need to immediately drop what we're doing to make everything accessible to everyone at all times! Except for hospitals, workplaces, movie theaters, restaurants, or grocery stores for the unvaxxed, those most foul of heathen anti-science beasts, may Saint Floyd curse their souls!
Trust the Science: We need to trust the experts at all times! All experts! All experts who are on CNN need to be trusted immediately! And science! Men can have periods, too! Mosquitos can be stopped by a chain link fence, so wear that cotton mask immediately, you bigot! When The Most Holy Doctor Fausti said before that masks were paranoid and didn't work, he was mistaken: but he repented, and was absolved of his Misinformation! Locking people into their homes and excluding them from society will keep them safe and healthy, especially from the most lethal of WuFlu nasal congestion-- that is true, my child!
Evangelize: Everyone should be made to feel comfortable at all times. And everyone should be free to express their opinions, and to bring their whole selves with them. No one should be made to feel uncomfortable, and should live in a safe space. That's why, my flock, we need to enter every last situation by non-stop espousing our world view at every turn! Every meeting at work should begin with a meditation session, reflecting on the Original Sin of white people, and on the virtues of homogeneous Diversity! And because it's important for everyone to bring their whole selves, anyone to the right of Chairman Mao needs to be immediately censored and excluded from all aspects of society. This is how important Inclusion is!
When in Doubt
Some days you may be plunged into despair: you can't afford a fifty thousand dollar car which needs a new ten thousand dollar battery pack after eight years. Or you can't afford groceries because Build Back Better has created equity. Or because of Holy Lockdowns you aren't allowed to have a funeral for your boyfriend, who died from Myocarditis after getting his sixteenth Holy Jab of Annointing-- I mean, who died from the stress of Climate Change!
All of those evil white devil patriarchal monsters told you all of this would happen-- but they are broken clocks! Even a blind squirrel, my dear, even a blind squirrel. Therefore, cease all of these blasphemous thoughts! Banish this foul Cognitive Dissonance! It's the work of the Trump Devil! Wear your mask in pride! Buy another rainbow bumper sticker for your Prius! Say a prayer to Saint Cullors, Saint Floyd, or the Most Holy Priest Doctor Fausti! Thank The Biden, and never forget the power of the Virtue Signal: solidarity, comrade!
Let us end now in peace, except for Republicans. In the name of the Diversity, the Inclusion, and the Holy Climate Change, Amen!