The Exigent Duality
COMCOLD-27 - 13:58 CST, 10/11/20 (Sniper)
"I have bad news George: I think we've both caught the COMCOLD-27! I had some sniffles last night, and I saw you sneeze yesterday! With such a dangerous, debilitating disease, we'd better make sure to not leave our house for at least two years.

And you know the craziest thing? The governor of our state mandated beekeeper hats, clown shoes, and bunny years, which we've been dutifully wearing-- and we caught it anyway! Maybe we should have taped some toilet paper to front of the hats to make them more effective? Lord knows-- if we believed in god, ha ha-- we have enough toilet paper stockpiled!

Speaking of the mandate, our governor is such an altruistic person! He deeply cares about us: not an ulterior motive in his bones. He just cares about public health! And it's important to show how much we care too by wearing our bunny ears everywhere we go, to protect us from the virus. In this household, we believe that science is real. And that love conquers hate.

Unlike those selfish people who won't wear their beekeeper hat, or even their clown shoes! I hate those people! I hate them so much! I just want to punch them in the face! Bunch of feckless Nazis! I hope they all die!

Oh, oh, sorry about that George, sometimes I get carried away-- would you pass me my Soylent and coloring book? Always calms me down!

Did you see that Canderson Oopser segment on FUD last night? He showed the President on TV not wearing his Binky the Clown nose! How irresponsible! This at a time when the number of cases of COMCOLD-27 is at an all time high. Think of all of that occasional sinus congestion! They need to lock this country down, and now! We really need to start following the governance models of sensible countries, like North Korea.

Later that night on FUD-- boy do I love that channel-- Lon Demon showed some joggers and peaceful protestors burning down an orphanage full of white kids: thank goodness, way too much colonialism and patriarchy in this country! It was also great to see that the protestors didn't need to wear their beekeeper hats for that-- how would they have breathed properly with all of that smoke? Let's use a little common sense here, thank you!

I think everyone deserves to know the truth about COMCOLD-27, it's the worst disease in the history of not just Earth frankly, but the entire multiverse. That's why I'm so happy that Google buried the search results that showed COMCOLD-27 is no more dangerous than-- get this-- the common cold. Fake news!

But there is hope, light at the end of this tunnel of madness, an oasis amidst a sea of crazy: Oopser also said that if Frankly Beatdown (who couldn't remember his own name during the interview-- isn't he cute?) wins the election, he'll make it illegal for anyone to leave their bedrooms without being entombed in pillows-- thank goodness! If it saves even one life!

Well, I'm going to prepare my kale for dinner and grab my Kombucha. I know you'll be out (too bad about not charging the Tesla because of the rolling blackouts-- the walking will do you good!), but I won't get too lonely eating in the house by myself. I'll admit it will be a little tough to eat through my beekeeper hat, but at least the drink pours right through!